The common plumber
The common plumber
If I may add to this plumbers love in.
DT_Xtremez_14:
The demise of the common plumber
In recent years there has been a sad decline in both the numbers and colonies of the common plumber and this has led to a full scale public enquiry by the Committee for the Rehabilitation of Assaulted Plumbers (CRAP) in an attempt to halt the decline in this wonderful species and indeed, to restore it to it’s former glory. This paper endeavours to clearly define the species and to educate the world at large.
The Common Plumber (Homo plumberis)
This is the generic name of a species of erect, large brained anthropoids belonging to the family hominid of the primate order of vertebrates now represented by Homo sapiens. The plumber is one of those groups of primates who have increased dramatically in size over the past hundred years and males now stand 2 metres tall, have arms with a spread of over 2 metres and weigh a massive 200lbs or more. The digits on his arms have a powerful grip and this together with the long arms enable him to carry large weights over rough terrain. The process of evolution has also caused the musculature and skeleton of the body to change in order to support an abdomen that is no longer slung beneath a horizontal back bone but strapped to a vertical one as to a pillar, this enables a heavy weight of gut to be carried in some style.
The plumber is normally carnivorous living on the flesh of cattle, pigs, lamb and the occasional Homo sapiens of the spineless variety. The plumber drinks little water but will consume almost any form of beer at any time. This causes a social problem as they tend to live in tightly knit families and there is never enough beer in one location to satiate the whole group. Thus they tend to migrate from place to place getting steadily inebriated until a family hoot develops. The chief male normally starts with one or two tentative hoots, others join in, the group launches into ecstatic song and finally the junior member of the group performs an act of submission by baring his hindquarters for the washing with beer ceremony. This is usually followed by a performance of a more acrobatic nature – a plumber in motion through the chandeliers is one the most glorious sights that the urban environment has to offer and is thought to stem from a desire to return to the more arboreal life of the primeval forests. With a supple grace that is breath taking he hurls himself across vast spaces imitating with pride, his ancestor Homo Burtlancastrus.
The plumber is a sociable and genial character who loves being part of a family of plumbers led by a chief patriarch. Under his direction they will work extremely hard but in quieter moments they will congregate in a small den usually referred to as the plumbery. There they will sit for most of the time considering the enormity of their next task while they graze on bacon butties and dream of barrels of beer. Occasionally they exchange quiet grunts and if an individual wanders away from the group he makes a little belching sound so that the rest know where he is. The patriarch leads and protects his group and if he is alarmed or angered by intruders he may roar defiance or even charge. Worse still happens if the group is threatened by lesser species of Homo sapiens such as sooties or riggers then a full scale fight may ensue with the intruders usually being seen off. However the bulk of his days are spent quietly and in peace.
Plumber Progress
With the advent of the 20th century the plumber made rapid progress and adaptation, his superior brainpower, flexibility and energy made him an indispensable part of the new fighting formations, the flying machine squadrons. The plumber always insisted there were 3 separate elements to a squadron. Firstly there was the rectification element consisting of the lesser species. Their job was to repair the flying machines for the plumbers. Then there was the strange species known as pilots (Homo Pontius). Their brainpower was almost the equal of plumbers but they proved unreliable. Their poor consumption of beer also worried early plumbers. Never the less the pilots were detailed to carry out delivery duties for plumbers. Finally there were the plumbers themselves, without whom the new fangled flying machines would have no purpose. Plumbers dreamt up ever more ingenious ways of biting their opponents at long range. They invented, produced, maintained, armed and loaded countless pieces of kit and then went on to do a liney’s (Homo Plumberis Minor) job. They even managed to assist the rectification element, diversified into many other areas not associated with flying machines. All of this bred the inevitable Homo sapiens response of jealousy, with the equally inevitable questions being asked.
Who do these plumbers think they are?
Why should they have a separate den?
Why do they work different shifts to the rest of us?
Why do we have to do work for them?
Why haven’t we got much for them to do in return?
The ageing process of homo plumberis exacerbated the situation. The males as they age, grow heavy and bad tempered. They remain very agile however and can be seen ducking and weaving at great pace. When they encounter lesser species of primate they have the irritating habit of standing on his toes in order to confront him directly and to stop him running away. This habit does not endear him to other species and has led directly to his demise.
The Demise
Homo Pontius led the attack against the plumbers by using his well-known love of queen and country against him. He requested that the queen commission all forms of Homo Pontius and require them to be called SIR as a form of respect. The plumbers countered by introducing a new form of submission ceremony, which still entailed baring of the hindquarters, but the appropriate spot was to be kissed not washed with beer. Honour being satisfied, all plumbers now refer to Homo Pontius as sir but are never the less quite satisfied as Pontius continues to carry out his delivery duties for the plumbers.
Outranked by Pontius and outnumbered by other species on the ground the common plumber has fought a long battle and has come close to losing. The once proud family of squadron plumbers has been decimated, dispersed and disinherited. His dens have been destroyed or taken over, his life and work is dominated by species that have no understanding of his ways and wish only to subjugate him. Thankfully there remain at least two places where the common plumber is a protected species and revels in his freedom the Bomb dump and the SSA. Battered specimens often retire there for a year or two n order to rehabilitate, be assured these remarkable creatures recover quickly. More than anything the plumber requires understanding treat him fairly and you will have a loyal friend for life. Convince him of the need and he will work himself to a standstill for you, leave him to solve his own problems. Observe these few simple rules and you to in time could come to love that wonderful animal – THE PLUMBER
