F700 funnies

[Life-Is-Good]

I remember years ago reading an article in Air Clues (I think) which had numerous examples of snags raised by aircrew being signed-off humorously by ground crew.

Unfortunately, my memory is good enough to remember:

1. That I read the article!
2. The example below:

A pilot of a multi-engined piston aircraft had raised an entry stating:
"Number 3 engine missing".

The job was cleared with:

"After a short search, number 3 engine located on starboard wing"! (Or words to that effect)

Anyone out there know of any other examples like this?

 

[monobrow]

Anyone out there know of any other examples like this?

Just found some of them on google. I'm sure there was a shed load more though.

Problem: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem: Test fllight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute decent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak in right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelieveably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believeable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Spearmint]

I've got away before with writing down certain 'Work Done' entries.

Such as for a suspected fuel level indication snag, 'Tank units accoustically tested for serviceability'. My SNCO came to me and said, 'Be honest you've just gone and kicked the fcuk out of the wing'.......'Yeah, pretty much.'

Or when the jockey has yet again destroyed a set of main wheels yet claims he followed his pre-landing checks to the letter. 'Anti Skid system does not work in O-F-F mode'

 

[Drill Bit]

Not in the F700 but I remember once being called to a crew in snag whilst on Red Flag with the premier, norfolk based Tonka Sqn.

The pilot seemd to be hungover and extremely hot and bothered when he complained that the cabin conditioning wasn't working and wanted to know what I was going to do about it? I advised him that he might want to try starting one of his engines first; clearly he confused the roar of the APU with that of one of his 199s. He was embarrassed and I was amused.

 

[mick-a-nick]

Not a F700 but on a ground assets report sheet:-

Following an inspection of a knackered old ‘Fire Vehicle’ I compiled the paperwork and had to fill in a box with a brief description of the reason behind disposal advice. Usually this box remained un-read, no one paid attention to it as long as it had something in it.

This asset has had the loving care of many fitters and much abuse by even more ‘Firemen’ over its 20 year life. The engine puffs and wheezes akin to an asthmatic donkey with a bad cough and halitosis. It has all the pulling power of a geriatric at a rave. Prior to its long sea-journey, this asset already had an appointment with the scrap yard, it would be churlish of this department to delay it even further.

Duly completed paperwork was posted to relevant departments and nothing heard for a couple of weeks.

Phone call, irate civil serpent to discuss comments. How was I supposed to know that the Group Captain on the ‘Fire Vehicle Committee’ had no sense of humour.

 

[Oberon305]

Two of mine spring to mind:

1st, in southern Italy, Jag pilot returned from a sortie over Bosnia and explained that his wingman had noticed liquid leaking from the side of his ECM pod so he switched it off and they called the sortie short. When I asked him how long he'd had it on, he told me and I informed him that it was water-cooled and that it had obviously got hot and what his wingman saw was the water venting....as it was designed to do. He was a little sheepish after that. DT_Xtremez_30:


Second one, similar to APU/Engine/Aircon one above......on det at a northern base, QHI was in left seat with new Staish to fly a wokka back to Odiham at end of det. Called Liney over who ran back to crew bus and asked for help as the main generators weren't coming online:

"Well they frikkin wont until he turns the bloody heads will they?!?!"

We sent the AMM back to tell him.....funnily enough the heads started turning a few seconds later. And that was a QHI and the Staish.....words fail me! DT_Xtremez_14:

 

[8:15fromOdium]

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Had a couple similar to this:

Problem: TACAN does not work in O.F.F. mode.
Solution: N.F.F.

Problem: RADALT Alarm does not work in Crewmans positions.
Solution: RADALT Alarm not supposed to work in Crewmans positions.

 

[Ex-Bay]

An old one:-

Problem: VHF2 controller missing
Answer: VHF2 equipment not fitted.

 

[theladf]

I attended a crew-in on det with 14 Sqn in Turkey, Akinci Airbase. Our Italian exchange pilot was frantically after a sooty so I fit the ladder clamber up to ask what the problem is, "No indications from the left hand engine" was the snag, I asked him what the likely engine status would be given that I was on a ladder in front of the intake? with which he started said engine and all indications were miraculosly normal!!!!!!!!DT_Xtremez_19:

 

[da i ddim]

A sooty friend of mine on a norfolk land shark sqn was called in for a crew in where the pilot couldn't get the engine started.

up the ladder he went switched the lp cock to open then gave the pilot a w****r hand gesture. then off he went.

 

[Mickwreay]

Windy Puma

Windy Puma

I remember an incident at RAF Honington in the mid 90s, a Puma of 18 Sqn was blown over in a freak wind.

One of the lads raised an entry “turns over but will not start”

Lead balloon springs to mind.

 

[Barch]

Back in the very early days of the Tonkas at Cottesmore the decision to use the F700 on the Luftwaffe jets nearly started an international incident!

Basically the F700 is set up to use a 5 character serial number eg. ZA123 the Luftwaffe jets only use a 4 character number and the 'Iron Cross' symbol, eg. 43+03.

Swanton Morley accepted that Luftwaffe jets would be identified using this method on the F700.

The linies didn't accept this method and the Luftwaffe jets identity somehow ended up with a swastica instead of 'Iron Cross' symbol, eg. 43X03.

The boxheads were not happy so a new method of recording the aircraft serial number was devised.

G4303 etc for the Luftwaffe jets and I4321 for the 'Reverse Thrust Champions'.

 

[flamingfirebird]

A little bit Dim

A little bit Dim

I debriefed a Pilot on a TACAN snag which had no range displayed on the HSI.
They were a QFI on the F3 OCU and allegedly were supposed to be the best of the best (ie they thought they were the the same as topgun !)DT_Xtremez_35:
Anyway went out to the ac and found it had the brightness turned right
down so adjusted to a more appropriate level and recorded the fix as such in the F700!
The very next day I was called into Rects/Ops to be given a lecture by the said clever aircrew as it makes them look stupid and undermines their authority over the trainees !:0 Im sorry but if the cap fits !!!!::

 

[FogDucking Fairy]

Whilst working in a bay about 4 years ago I had signed for doing about 6 sti's in a day, it got to a point where (stupidly!) I had stopped reading the jobcard before signing it, I ended up signing for

Work Req'd - Stupid Leckie requires brain extraction
Work Done - Brain extraction carried out IAW DAPxxxx-xxxx-x satis

or words to that effect

I felt quite stupid, and the Jobcard was put up on one of our many noticeboards for all to see!
DT_Xtremez_35:

 

[Dixie68]

I remember an incident at RAF Honington in the mid 90s, a Puma of 18 Sqn was blown over in a freak wind.

One of the lads raised an entry “turns over but will not start”

Lead balloon springs to mind.

Also seen on the U/S chit (F731?) attached to a Houchin that had been towed slightly too fast behind a sqn LR Defender at Kinloss on nights.
Going round a bend it had overturned and we dragged it for a while - totally smashed to ****. We managed to get it to the Gnd Eqpt hangar and stuck it outside in the Eqpt area with aforementioned chit saying, "Turns over but will not start".

 

[morse1001]

I remember an incident at RAF Honington in the mid 90s, a Puma of 18 Sqn was blown over in a freak wind.

Out in Belize a Puma was blown over by a storm. The lineys started to sport T-shirts with ,Ground aerobatics champions 1984'!

 

[252]

Cottesmore,Tonkas early 80's .........................a small panel at the bottom of the back of the fin was prone to developing a stress fracture.....................this was addressed by stop drilling.

On finding such a stop drilled fracture a plumber mech working as a liney raised a snag.

"Crack found between two holes"

 

[Mickwreay]

Cottesmore,Tonkas early 80's .........................a small panel at the bottom of the back of the fin was prone to developing a stress fracture.....................this was addressed by stop drilling.

On finding such a stop drilled fracture a plumber mech working as a liney raised a snag.

"Crack found between two holes"

Well...............that says it all LMAO