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TECHNICIANS NOT MAGICIANS (EXCEPT AMM)
1. You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing (or on the wing itself).
2. You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3. You've ever sucked oxy to cure a hangover.
4. You know what AVTUR tastes like.
5. You've ever used a black chinagraph pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6. You have a better "c" store in the pockets of your overalls than the supply system.
7. You've ever used a piece of lockwire as a toothpick.
8. You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted them black).
9. You refer to a pilot as a "control-stick actuator" or "seat/stick interface."
10. You've ever been told to "pump up the windsock, or go get a bucket of prop wash, a yard of flightline, a left-handed screw driver, a North bearing, a bottle of K-9P or a can of striped paint."
11. You've ever worked a 14-hour shift on an aircraft that isn't flying the next day.
12. You've ever said, "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine sir."
13. You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14. You talk to the aircraft (often in a not-so-nice way).
15. You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16. You've ever used a chock as a hammer.
17. The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18. You know more about your co-workers than you do about your own family.
19. You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20. You can't figure out why Engineering officers exist.
21. You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft, nothing wrong with it!"
22. You take it as a badge of honour to be just called "a Det Hound."
23. You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24. You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Techie.
25. You think everyone who isn't a Techie is a poof.
26. You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you are wide-awake.
27. You've ever stood on chocks to keep your feet dry.
28. You've used lockwire to clean a fingernail.
29. You've wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30. You've worn someone else's hat to the mess.
31. All you care about is the flying program and your days off.
32. You've wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid rules.
33. You've ever had to de-fuel an aircraft an hour after refuelling it.
34. You tell the aircrew "It'll do a trip".
35. You triple check the seat pins before you get in.
36. You've ever wondered why a jet engine makes no noise when you stand behind it.
37. You know all the hiding places on the aircraft for duty frees.
38. You've handed the hangar keys over to the day shift as you're going home.
39. You've held a cover over the jet exhaust while it's started to stop the engine spinning the wrong way.
40. You've watched a tool / screw disappear behind a panel at 2.00 a.m.
41. You've had to change three boxes to find one that works.
42. You've had a tow bar drop on your foot when the tractor pulls away before you're ready.
43. You've stood in the rain for half an hour while the aircraft is on hold.
44. Fitted a No fault found box to find it still f***ed.
45. You build a small boat from bits from supply and call it " C Stores".
46. You really wonder about the ejection seat when you're upside down in the cockpit doing a loose article check.
47. You cheer at midnight when the last aircraft lands and is U/S along with the rest of the squadron.
48. You meet the aircrew with a pickaxe handle and convince them the aircraft isn't really U/S.
49. You've sat on a running jet engine that's fed and pushed by a bowser full of fuel to clear snow and ice, and wondered about health and safety.
50. You know what burnt seabird smells like, and the mess it makes when it's hit a jet at hundreds of miles per hour
51. You've had to tell the backseater that no radar display is the expected performance in O F F mode.
52. You know what 3 phase feels like.
53. You've just spent 2 hours with your arms above your head in a nose wheel well locating a bolt through 3 P-clips and two spacers only to realise you forgot the washer.
54. You've had to explain to the engine chief why you want the other engine out because you f****d up and mis-diagnosed which co-ax coupler was knackered.
55. You've found yourself crucified in trap 3 of the crew room bogs with a broomstick through the arms of your overalls.
56. Remember the blade antennas underneath conveniently located to gouge your back?
57. The headset/microphone that always goes u/s between the line hut and the aircraft?
58. The early start to prep the aircraft to find the first wave has been cancelled.
59. The houchins that are always parked so the power cable to the aircraft is 6" short.
60. Being amazed after leaving the RAF to find that tea and coffee can be drunk hot.
61. Plastic pin extractors have a use design life of once.
62. Wires are routed by the aircraft manufacturer to break in the most inaccesible place to repair them.
63. You wash your hands with almost surgeon-like attention to detail before you pee, never mind eat.
64. You carry random items of equipment or tools for no valid reason other than to avoid getting stitched for the really crap jobs
65. You become familiar with all the characters from kids cartoons and daytime soap operas.
66. You can end up playing different hands/corners in the same card/board game depending on workload
67. You could recite from memory the reference numbers of LRUs but needed to write your girlfriends phone number down
68. You can still remember the LRU reference numbers after 20 years but can’t remember the girlfriend.
69. Winning at "uckers" becomes the most important thing you do that day.
70. You have a favourite broom with your name on for hangar sweeping.
71. It was months before you realised there was actually a handle to wind hangar doors open with.
72. AVTUR is not really suitable for your Zippo.
73. Your overalls are held together with stitched on squadron badges from detachments.
74. You never know how films end due to scramble starts.
75. You look forward to exercises 'cos there'll be "babys heads" on the menu.
76. You quickly discover why your trade badge is a fistful of lightning bolts.
77. When locking up, ground equipment in the hangar moves once the lights are out.
78. Marked walkways on the aircraft are the only parts without boot marks.
79. You spot that Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter uses the same boarding ladder as the Phantom.
80. You can never watch a film / TV programme with aircraft in without picking holes in it.
81. Grub screws are not designed to be used more than once.
82. The manufacturers of 'captive' nuts and screws are all liars.
83 Fill your morning with attempts to find anything to do to avoid the daily hangar sweep or MT DIs.
84 Know the perils of handbrake turns in landrovers.
85 Be commonly aware of just how big an aeroplane you can tow with a landrover whilst on detachment.
86 On detachment, being able to quickly identify which ‘gizzits’ you are going to nick.
87 On detachment, being the first to succeed in the hire vehicle endurance testing (major component failure only).
88 Know instinctively (without the need for a watch) when it is supper time, particularly if you are a scaly.
89 Never stop thinking about the next avpin ignition experiment (hangar donkey definitely the best!!).
90 Pre-occupying yourself (and the plumbers) with knowing exactly what the ‘death rattle’ of the bang seat is.
91 Honing your ‘first to the DCS’ skills on see-in.
92. Praying that you are not ‘on task’ whilst flying to det location.
93. IZAL toilet paper works better if you screw it up first then open it out again.
94. You learn how to build a bar room cannon out of empty beer cans, bodge tape, lighter fluid and a tennis ball.
95. You learn all the verses to "Eskimo Nell".
96. You go on late night "SAS" raids to the squadron next door to rob LRUs to fix your aircraft.
97. You always have a squadron 'zap' on you in case a visiting aircraft presents itself.
98. You carry a safety razor to squadron 'do's' in case someone falls asleep.
99. Call outs on standby always happen after midnight and at the weekend.
100. The boot of your car has at least 1 tin of swarfega, 1 blue roll, 1 roll of bodge tape and 1 tin of MEK or Trike.
101. You spend the first hour of every shift slagging off t'other shift'.
102. You can run through a cockpit switch check faster than the aircrew.
103. Glycerine from leaking ear defenders does not constitue hair gel.
104. The aircraft you're seeing off / seeing in is always furthest away.
105. You know a Christmas Tree is not just a festive decoration
106. You’ve made fairy lights out of red instrument lighting and a spare 28v battery
107. The most natural position to assemble anything, even your kids christmas toys, means being upside down with the lights out.
108. You know what chicken**** is and what it is used for
109. When you're found drinking with armourers
110. When you know where and how hard to hit the starter motor to get a Phantom going
111. When you can tell the fuel load by slapping the drop tank
112. When you know more about engines than you do your own trade
113. When you humour the navigator by agreeing with his trouble shooting of the system
114. When being part of the RHAG party has nothing to do with student week
115. When sunrise is part of your daily routine
116. When walking along the icy spine of an aircraft to remove the Pitot covers doesn't phase you
117. When your cold weather gloves are a fire hazard
118. When your overalls can stand alone
119. When your overalls become a fire hazard!
120. When you find bald spots over the scars in your head caused by lower radio aerials
121. When closing time at the local gets too close to shift start.
122. When swapping live missiles between "Q" aircraft is routine.