Old wind ups for new arrivals (merged)

[mad_collie]

I know in this PC age we can't do too much with new people that arrive, and everybody knows about the long weight (wait) & long stand from stores. Some of the more subtle wind ups are the funniest.

For example:

At one of my old sections, we worked at the other side of the airfield, and somebody called the mess, ordered our lunches & we sent somebody to collect them.

Whenever a new lad was posted in, he would watch this process, and after a few days, we would ask him to call the mess to see what was on the menu. Being new, he would always ask what number to dial, and we promptly gave him the extension of the CO's residence .

'Hello, this is JT Bloggs, can you tell me what is for lunch please?'
'Soup and sandwhiches, I think - you must be new here'
'I am - how can you tell?'
'This is the Stn Cdrs wife . .. . '

Unfortunately the CO would occassionally pick up the phone, he wasn't as understanding . . . . .

Any more out there ? ? ?

 

[SirSaltyHelmet]

I was given a transit envelope on one of my first days at St Mawgan. I was told to take it to supply and wait for an answer. I saw most of the camp that morning.

The said transit envelope contained the words "We don't want this fella, send him somewhere else"
DT_Xtremez_25:

Was also given a job by the boss, take these two fire extinguishers to Churchill block and on the way can you take this envelope to the bank (St Mawgan had a Lloyds branch in Mid 80s). Was told the envelope contained money and needed to be paid in.

Walked to the bank with extinguishers, handed the envelope to cashier and waited for receipt.

Cashier "Are you new here?"

Me "fairly"

She handed me the letter in the envelope it said

"Give me all your money or I'll soak the lot of you with these extinguishers"

 

[Dirk Thrust]

Once sent a baby LAC to the Med Centre for a set of fallopian tubes

 

[shettie]

You know the flashing lamp beacon on the airfield - We used to take the new guy out to a little building at marham that had the beacon on top - in there would be a guy and a morse key, a wire leading out the building and onto the roof - tapping out the station code - we'd give the new guy 5 minutes of "on the job training" - make sure he could tap the code in time with the guy who was "on-duty" then let him take over - drive off and leave him keying the morse code...

About an hour later - watching from ATC local - you could see him stick his head out of the building - look at the beacon - then start the long trudge back to the tower! They'd usually have calmed down by the time they got back!

DT_Xtremez_28:

My Missus was a painter & doper, while stationed at a QRA base in Scotland, with a navy tomb sqn located there - they occasionally get a matelot stick his head in the paint shop to scrounge a little bit of brushwash - they'd give him the gunk in a polystyrene cup and watch with hilarity as he got half way across the pan before the cup disintegrated!

 

[Kiwistacker]

Thats brilliant!
I got caught with a collect for a 'D State' for a Nav aid, Sect ref was 1D10T, I knew something wasn't right but as an LAC you do as your told. Said "Nav aid" was a milk bottle.

 

[jpain]

Once wrote on a guys locker:

'Phone Matt Glosse ref rugby' followed by the ext to the painters.

He rang the number and asking to speak to Matt Gloss(e) he was told ' No-one here by that name mate, think you have the wrong number.'

Perplexed, he thought maybe he had pronounced the name wrong having noticed the 'e' on the end of Glosse.

'..............Well maybe his name's Matt Glossy ?'

Doh......DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[RIGHTHANDSPANKER]

Before I joined up (I was an apprentice at the time) I got sent to the chippy for 4 chips and 4 skin pies. DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[auchtermuchty]

Brother in law got caught with one similar to the fire extinguisher one.

He was given a 15 pound hammer and a note from his SNCO, told the hammer had to go to the counter for a collect (hes a storeman) but on the way to drop the note to the FS and wait for a reply. He duly went to FS office, handed the FS the note and started to stroke the FS's dog which he kept in the office.

What was in the note....

Gimme some leave or the dog gets it!

DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[shettie]

Just remembered being left a note with an Ext number on it - "Ring this ext as soon as possible" - Station Barber! I could take a hint...

 

[Fablon biff chit]

"Go and get a 731 for this bit of wood" The sections would then say is it metric or imperial wood? You don't know? Take it back and find out.... and so on!

Also the old favourite, go and get a long boring wait, glass hammers, spirit level bubbles, cordless extentions, skirting board ladders, tartan paint..... er any more?

Supply sqn at Waddo did the palletizer driving test, two cones and a palletiser, LACs would have to do figure of 8's and such

 

[SirSaltyHelmet]

Another fave is the message on the board "Contact Mr C Lyons on 01485 533576 "

Don't you just love to see their faces when they are in contact with "Hunstanton Seal Sanctuary"

 

[SORRY CJ]

Flight Servicing

Flight Servicing

Got caught with the usual “go and service the gate guard”.

Went to 16 Sqn at Llarbruch in the late 80’s and the Sqn had a Canberra B(I)8 as it’s gate guard. Me being a so called experienced Canberra Mech coming from Wyton, I was detailed by the Line controller to go and service it (well check it over)???????

Well I thought OK, seems a reasonable request cos you didn’t want bits dropping off did you. So after a half an hour of “checking” I went back into the line to be presented a cobbled together flight servicing doc from a Tornado which I duly signed the B/F for, this was carried out to the howls if laughter coming from the crew room.

I still think today that it was a reasonable request to make however…….To sign it serviceable to fly well…….

 

[gemarriott]

On Xv at Laarparts we used to send new arrivals to squadron WO for a chit to get their watches changed to metric time from Imperial time at the squadron's expense.

On 23 the gullible storeman we had finally dug his heels in and refuse to order umbilicals for the missiles after being had so many times with fallopian tubing, tartan paint, long stands etc. we had to go scrounge some from the singeing chickens at the other end of the pan.

 

[jpain]

Me wonders if anyone here remembers a certain 'Pillar of Repentance' in the line hut on a Lincolnshire based OCU ?

DT_Xtremez_42:

 

[shettie]

Or the plank of the year at GRF Gutersloh (or if you use gothic style letraset - "Planr of the Yeak") I heard the pongos took them down off the wall and burnt them!

 

[Chaka]

One day back in the mid 80s after day flying had finished, I saw an LAC fireman taken out to the centre of Cottesmore's runway armed with two metal dustbin lids and a storno. The idea being that he would hold the lids up in the air to enable the GRF techies to calibrate the ATC radar head. This went on for 30 mins with the boy waving his arms in all directions and standing on one leg to improve the picture. He twigged when ATC told him the Space Shuttle was due over in 5 mins and the astronauts had asked for their radar to be checked too.

The poor lad also got a Washdown from 3 fire engines for being a chimp.

Brill.DT_Xtremez_30:

 

[mad_collie]

One day back in the mid 80s after day flying had finished, I saw an LAC fireman taken out to the centre of Cottesmore's runway armed with two metal dustbin lids and a storno. The idea being that he would hold the lids up in the air to enable the GRF techies to calibrate the ATC radar head. This went on for 30 mins with the boy waving his arms in all directions and standing on one leg to improve the picture. He twigged when ATC told him the Space Shuttle was due over in 5 mins and the astronauts had asked for their radar to be checked too.

The poor lad also got a Washdown from 3 fire engines for being a chimp.

Brill.DT_Xtremez_30:

The same used to happen to all new dog handlers at Bishops Court, complete with the HF200 radar nodding in their direction. On the first beer call they would find their photo on the 'wall of fame'.

 

[MyShineyAr$e]

My first day as an LAC. Recieved a phone call from a Cpl in the Regt Section.

"You need to come down and start prepping for your NARO commitment, bring you full NBC kit.".....

"OK". says I thinking what the fcuk is a NARO commitment. So off I toddle to Regt Flt where I get told to kit up. So I'm sat there in full NBC when the Cpl starts squirting a liquid in the air around me. He tells me that it is an extremely toxic substance which is dangerous if it is inhaled or comes into contact with skin. What struck me as odd is that he was in short sleaved C95. Being an LAC, I did not question this. Once we had established that I was not felling any effects of this substance I motion to take my Respirator off, "No No No, there may still be substance in the air, keep it on until you've finished at the Photo Section!."

So off I toddle to the Photo section in full NBC. When I get there the Sgt Photog tells me he needs to take a picture for my NARO ID card. Once again I move to take my Respirator off. "No No No, you need to keep it on else they won't recognise match up you ID card to you when you have your respirator on!"..... So I sit down and get given a placard to hold. The photog says smile and takes several pictures, even asking me to smile halfway through.

A day later the pictures arrive on my SNCO desk. There I am sat in full NBC with a Placard that says....1D1OT. To make things worse, I even glanced at the placard before I sat down!!!!

By the way I never was on the NARO commitment.

 

[macthegooner]

New to the section as an LAC and promptly got told to go to the police flight to get 2 batteries that were handed to me to be "charged"... didnt cotton on until I was about to step through the door, but commited so went through with it anyway DT_Xtremez_08:

 

[fitbin]

Manning tool stores many years ago to be confronted by a brand new LAC asking for an adjustable. I gave him the aforementioned, manufactured by 'Imperial', awaiting the expected come-back.....

"My Cpl told me to get him a metric adjustable"