Old wind ups for new arrivals (merged)

[mad_collie]

There was also the 'electric paintbrush' - normal paintbrush, flex heat shrunk onto handle with 3 pin plug (no fuse).

Watching them plug the sodding thing in so they could 'paint faster' was a joy to behold . . . . .

 

[fitbin]

And a similar scam to NEQCounter at post 5, sent one of my lads to stores with the NSN that comes from the part number for a chinook.

Told him it was a large frame, and was needed to replace a u/s item and he should collect it if possible.

Technically, I wasn't feeding him sh1t, we had a broken one and needed a not-so-broken one.

Worrying thing was, the demand actually got placed by the suppliers and the young lad got a phone call the following day from stacker HQ asking for more specific info.

 

[The Masked Geek]

Not so much of a wind up as a c0ck up.

LAC on TCW demands 17000 tiewraps but didn't quite understand the term DofQ 100. Took him most of the day to get them back to the hangar. At least we didn't run out of them for a while......

 

[Chaka]

1. Once heard of an RAFP Cpl who charged himself.

Guess that was just stupidity.

2. Saw a RAFP Cpl drying his rainsoaked NBC suit in a microwave, fire fire fire!

Again just stupidity.

3. Saw an RAFP Cpl drive a landrover into a snowman outside a Techie Block. Techies had built the snowman around a concrete bollard.

Again, pure stupidity.

4. I saw an RAFP Sgt and two RAFP Cpls place their weapons on the road, in the dark while being ID checked at a VCP. Around the corner came a Hawson full of techies and ran over three SMGs.

Even more stupidity.

Guess the RAF Coppers don't need setting up, they provide all the entertainment in the world.

Priceless!DT_Xtremez_28:

 

[Tigger]

One of the lads on 28 has the nickname 'Dog' (top bloke BTW), might be something to do with the afternoon he spent going round Benson trying to get K9P....

Hasn't anyone ever sent a new lad out with a hangar door winding handle to turn the windsock ?

Once sent one of the CSM's on NLS left his baggage in the dutch barn after a delay. Got to Norway for a 7 day det to find he had no shreddies or socks.

Again on Nimrods, had one of the new lads trying to blow up a mainwheel with the hand pump for inflating the intake blanks.

 

[Ed Basher]

I was sat in the Regt Flt crewroom at Coltishall once and a guy walked in with a plastic bag. He said that he'd been sent to Supply with a bag of radioactive air for disposal, but they sent him to Regt Flt because he didn't have any PPE on. The Regt Flt got him into full NBC kit with respirator and then sent him to the medical centre because he had already been exposed - priceless!
DT_Xtremez_30:

 

[shiny_arse]

A good one doing the rounds at present is in the SGF Crew Room.

On arrival to sign on for the following weeks duty, the Grd Cdr informs you that due to several incidents resulting from personnel forgetting information from their aide memoire a tick test has to be completed to show competence.

Now muppet here who has just popped in to sign a folder and flick through the order book, bites deep and starts chomping off about poxy regt and guard duty etc. As the Grd Cdr farts abouts looking for the test paper, the remainder of the SGF are asking if I want the telly to be turned off so it doesn't distract me, do I quickly want to look at the aide memoire etc etc. Only after I spot the Grd Cdr giggling in the next room do I suss out that I've been had.

That said I was immediately sworn to secrecy as they were in the process of drafting up the question paper with a series of dodgy questions and wanted to grab the next one coming through. Found out later on they had him in there for half an hour as he worked his way this test effing and blinding all the while. DT_Xtremez_32:

 

[230Tiger]

Not a wind up but.

A couple of years ago they introduced a chemical that would be able to effectively remove PRC. They also produced it in a handy disposable wipe.

Could you get anybody to go to stores for some bloody SKYWIPES!!!!

 

[tonibaloni]

once had a guy who drove an old Lada to and from work, only ever used the drivers door. so we nicked his keys and filled the boot with flopak. Forgot al about it till one day six months later the scuffers were inspecting vehicles leaving camp (something had been discovered missing at 08:00). guy opens boot and POOF!! most of Lincolnshire covered in very angry, compressed flopak!
oh and one very suprised driver who had no idea!

 

[BigNose]

Hurling Bolts

Hurling Bolts

I was an LAC at electric flick knife airport after training. Had to get hurling bolts from stores from my new Chief. I bought them back and he took me outside and threw them across a field.

I reckon I got off lightly!

****** ******

 

[tonibaloni]

on 74 in the early nineties we had a guy posted in from Sealand. On engine start on the mighty toom, the jockey used his two fingers in a backward v sign sort of affair. (we had no communication with the aircrew unlike the flick knives, all hand signal) We had this guy convinced that the jockey was concerned about rabbits going up the intake. On Engine start1, the jockey does tha finger flick, this lad darts out of the has comes back and gives the thumbs up!, cue nav talking to a distressed jockey on intercomm.
starts no2 engine, same finger gesture, bloke runs out of has, comes back and gives le pilote an incredibly enthusiastic two thumbs up and a big grin. cue pilot mutterring confusedly to back seater, who shrugs shoulders.
pilot gives the chocks away hurriedly and foxtrot oscars at a fast rate of knots!!

 

[J Y Kelly]

Go down to the Photo Section and get your Respirator 1250 photo taken, you will need it for exercises.

Of course he knew it was all a wind up.

Sorry Pete.

 

[ICEVANU]

fireaxe

fireaxe

My favourate one to do to a new LAC is to send them down to the firestation with the aforementioned fireaxe.

The fire section would be telephoned while he was on his way there.

When the new LAC got there the Chief Fireman would have him hit a block of wood with it 3 times, then it would be declared " Servicable".

The LAC would then have to write out the 731 for this, then the Chief Firman would sign the 731 "You've been had" DT_Xtremez_31:

 

[theladf]

Contaminated Air

Contaminated Air

I was sat in the Regt Flt crewroom at Coltishall once and a guy walked in with a plastic bag. He said that he'd been sent to Supply with a bag of radioactive air for disposal, but they sent him to Regt Flt because he didn't have any PPE on. The Regt Flt got him into full NBC kit with respirator and then sent him to the medical centre because he had already been exposed - priceless!
DT_Xtremez_30:

Similar story to Ed Basher, a particularly thick SAC in the Victor Servicing Flight at Marham was sent around the station with a sealed A4 sized bag of "contaminated air from the combust system" however it had to be sent to several sections to be logged, and "be careful, it might be explosive" so this fcukwit cycles all over the station with this bag of air held at arms length much to the amusement of SWO, workshops, police flt, med centre finally ends up with squippers, who "analyse the air and determine it is not contaminated", and take the precaution of reducing the explosive hazard by "expanding the air" so said airman pedals back to VSF clutching by now huge bag of air still not having twigged until he is told to re-install the air to the aircraft!!!!!! the sad thing is he did not learn and would regularly fall for wind-up of the month, until it was realised that he was actually dangerously stupid and stupidly dangerous.DT_Xtremez_31:

 

[vim_fuego]

Once sent one of the CSM's on NLS left his baggage in the dutch barn after a delay. Got to Norway for a 7 day det to find he had no shreddies or socks.

Again on Nimrods, had one of the new lads trying to blow up a mainwheel with the hand pump for inflating the intake blanks.

An aircraft made for wind-ups...

Calibrating the MAD by getting a new boy to run up and down under the tail of the aircraft carrying the heaviest of sonobouys...

Boot polish on the periscope and bino's...

Once watched the linies on the see-off team get the linies who were going away with us...Both groups were milling down the back, chatting and p*ss taking whilst things got settled...it's a fairly chaotic time as stuff is still being strapped down and there' bodies everywhere...Eventually taxiing out with the linies strapped into the galley seats flicking the V's out of the window at the marshallers to suddenly realise that the marshallers had a different shoe on each hand and big sh*t eating grins on their faces...All bar the Crew Chief got stung....

 

[monobrow]

Go down to the Photo Section and get your Respirator 1250 photo taken, you will need it for exercises.

Of course he knew it was all a wind up.

Sorry Pete.

HA HA! Someone got royally with the ID-10-T prank there!!!

most times people can't keep a straight face for long enough for them to go down!

 

[Tigger]

An aircraft made for wind-ups...

Calibrating the MAD by getting a new boy to run up and down under the tail of the aircraft carrying the heaviest of sonobouys...

Boot polish on the periscope and bino's...

Once watched the linies on the see-off team get the linies who were going away with us...Both groups were milling down the back, chatting and p*ss taking whilst things got settled...it's a fairly chaotic time as stuff is still being strapped down and there' bodies everywhere...Eventually taxiing out with the linies strapped into the galley seats flicking the V's out of the window at the marshallers to suddenly realise that the marshallers had a different shoe on each hand and big sh*t eating grins on their faces...All bar the Crew Chief got stung....

Does the dummy sonobouy still find its way into someones luggage on the big dets ? And do you still tell yanks that the periscope gets put in the water at low level.....?DT_Xtremez_31:
Another sick joke was to have the new lad check the accumulators in the bomb bay, while he was doing this one of the others would pressurise the bomb doors causing them to judder (lots of noise and the doors move about 2 inches outward) !! Usually caused newbees to come flying out the front as fast as their little legs would carry them....DT_Xtremez_14:

 

[tonibaloni]

whilst on mighty tooms at Waaaaaaaaaatsiham, I was tuning the MCS transmitter, stood on the navy rig (metal GSE that gace cooling air and hyds), and I hated that job, being a bit nervous in the service, one of the guys, you know who you are Bertie, sneaked into the haz, and with a big F-off riggers mallet battered the navy rig right between my legs!!
i dropped the tuning tools, my guts, my glasses, my heart was like a Warner Bros cartoon character!

i can still hear the little f-er laughing as he ran through the HAZ site in the dark.

 

[Ed Basher]

Just remembered another one. At St Athan when the fog was thick enough that you could barely see 10m we sent a young lad out to put up the black flag on the airfield so that everyone knew the weather state was black!

He duly went off looking for the flagpole. Called a few times saying he couldn't find it to be told that he wasn't quite in the right place and he needed to go this way or that way a bit.

Eventually he was brought back by the Police who had finally noticed some weirdo wandering around the airfield!

DT_Xtremez_19:

 

[vim_fuego]

Does the dummy sonobouy still find its way into someones luggage on the big dets ? And do you still tell yanks that the periscope gets put in the water at low level.....?DT_Xtremez_31:
Another sick joke was to have the new lad check the accumulators in the bomb bay, while he was doing this one of the others would pressurise the bomb doors causing them to judder (lots of noise and the doors move about 2 inches outward) !! Usually caused newbees to come flying out the front as fast as their little legs would carry them....DT_Xtremez_14:

It does...but you have to be seriously numb to not notice the weight change...

My favourite story,so I can't verify it but theres a better than average chance its true, is the one where you are carrying air cadets...One of the crew comes rushing into the galley with a sickbag tighly gripped around his mouth...it has been pre-filled with chunky soup before hand...said crewman puts down bag on galley work surface and makes to look like somebody who has just thrown his ring...

Secong crewman walks in and looks concerned...pats associate on back accompanied with comforting words then spies the sick bag...picks it up and with his spoon (all good crewman carry a spoon for those impromtu snackets) tucks into the simulated soup from the bag whilst gesticulating to the cadets that it really is very nice....

You tend to need a few more sick bags PDQ DT_Xtremez_34: