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Out of the mouths of babes

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Driving home from town today in Missus little Tronks car (I was driving) she suddenly flew in to a panic.............

...........Oh no, she says, I can't find my car keys!

What, the ones in the ignation making the engine go BBBRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMM!?
 
Female civvie MT driver bringing me home from the airport yesterday and she was talking about driving to an army camp.

She was horrified about all the things the amy get up to,"They even have problems with beastings!", she exclaimed, "I just cant believe they have sex with animals."

Suppressed laughter ensues
 
Shugster said:
Gentlemen, we should in some ways be ashamed of ourselves for picking on such an easy target!
:PDT_Xtremez_15:

Fish in a barrel..!
Click to expand...

No mate. Just go for it.......................
They love it really.:PDT_Xtremez_42:
 
My ex, looking out of our living room window she is looking over the road at the neighbour painting his living room she turns to her friend and says thats a horrible colour its as green as the ace of spades!!! and even worse is that her friend agrees!!!!!!!!!!!
 
About 10 years ago I was explaining to a friend that I was going to visit my Mother in New Zealand. I was going in January and told her that it would be summer there.

To which she said.... "Really, what month will it be when you arrive there then"
 
A few years ago there was a set of adverts for one to one mobile phones.
They featured present celebs having one to one’s with deceased celebs ( being their favourites)
One such ad had Vic Reeves with Terry Thomas playing tennis chatting etc.
At the end of the ad Vic said something like “If there was anyone I could have a one to one with it would be Terry Thomas and I would ask him if he really was a bounder”
Every time this came on and he said that line Mrs Squid pulled a face and muttered a few things under her breath.
After a few times of this curiosity got the best of me and I asked her why she was so miffed by Vic and his innocent question.
Mrs Squid replied in a serious tone that it’s none of Vic Reeves business whether Terry Thomas was gay or not. Baffled by this I asked how she came up with that one.
All along she thought that Vic was asking if Terry really was a BENDER. Bless
 
My missus is doing her driving lessons at the moment, and will regulary watch me when driving.

One day whilst reversing out the driveway, she was looking at the gear stick, then asked

"What gear are you in?"

Theres no hope! :PDT_Xtremez_17:
 
She was in London, I was in the Midlands. She had a little old Nissan Micra which her son-in-law used to sort out for her. It was a relatively hot summer.

Me. "Don't forget to check the water"
Her. "OK"

A few days went by and then she called me: "My temperature gauge is going almost off-scale"

Me. "Did you check the water?"
Her. "Yes"

A couple of days later I got a call from her son-in-law who said
"Guess where she put the water?. In the windscreen reservoir, not the radiator".
 
Flew back into Cardiff from Greece the other week and on spotting the fact that every sign was repeated in Welsh, my brother-in-law's Australian girlfriend queried:

"Why can't the Welsh spell 'Wales' correctly?"
 
I told my ex about a particularly long trip back up to ISL up the A9.

When I said the snow was that bad that I had to follow a snow plough doing about 20 mph for miles she actually did the Durrr sound and asked me why I didn't just overtake it?

Jimps
 
Some of these are feckin hilarious!

A favourite one of mine was from a friend just after she passed her driving test at 17. She was driving me and another friend from work when all of a sudden we heard a screeh, the car going up slightly and a very loud pop followed by my friend letting go of the steering wheel and covering her eyes whilst still driving.

After calming her down and pulling her to the side of the road we asked what had just happened and bless her she was so upset, she said:

"I've just ran over a pidgeon, the poor bird it's gonna be dead for the rest of its life."

She has never lived that down! :PDT_Xtremez_14:
 
the misses iv got is a right numpty...

her mother and aunt are twin sisters however her aunt lives in Ireland and has done since the misses was 6, shes 24 now..
Last year the aunt moved back to glasgow and the misses got on really well with her and said to me

'i really like my auntie, gonna make sure i get her something really special for her birthday, but i dont want to sound ignorant and ask her when it is..'

my reply was 'shes your mums twin......'

took her about three days to work it out :PDT_Xtremez_42:
 
Two absolute belters from my mate's missus....

She was describing her neighbour's caravan and she was asked how old it was. She said 'quite new it's an 07 plate'!

Last year they bought their kids identical ipod Nanos for Christmas. Some weeks later she had hold of both of them and commented that one was heavier than the other. She then declared that one must have more songs on it than the other.
 
Stormer from Mrs 3Chord yesterday....

Watching the Charity Shield and she says "Never seen that Chelsea player before, what's his name...Samsung? who's that..?"
 
One of our sys admin girlies came in one day, 2 hours late and bawling her eyes out. "The AA say my bloody car has seized"

Me "were any of the lights on the dash illuminated?"

Her "yes, a red one for about a week, how am I supposed to know what it means"
 
During last Summers European Championships, I asked the Mrs if she wanted to put a bet on who would be the eventual winners to make it a bit more interesting.

After much deliberation, she plumped for Brazil.........
 
Another gem from mrs squid last night whilst watching singled handed on itv.
After about half an hour she said to me "we should really make the effort and take a trip up to scotland the scenery looks beautiful"
After pointing out that all the accents where irish and the policman had garda on the back of his coat may have given her a hint that it indeed was Ireland.
The look on her face was a picture !
 
Another Ex, (The one who took the wall out), wanted me to go and buy a, "Reef", for her Fathers grave...

"Sure, which one do you want? The great barrier in Australia?" :PDT_Xtremez_14:

(And she had a Law degree). :PDT_Xtremez_42:
 
Does this count?

A story once told by a mate about his wife and her best friend. Names changed to protect my life. .......

Kim & Janet, good friends.

K…. Hi Janet I've just popped in, I am on my way for a check up at the gynaecologists.

After a brief chat

K….. Do you mind if I use your bathroom to freshen up before I go?

J….. No, of course not feel free.

K…. Thanks, see you later.

Some time later.

J… How did it go? Every think OK?

K… Yer, no problems …… The Gynaecologist said that it was nice to see I had made an effort.

J…. What did he mean?

K…. I am not too sure. It must have been because I had used your fem fresh before I went.

J …. I don’t have any fem fresh.

K…. Yes you do. I used the gold tin from in your bathroom.

After some thought.






J….. That’s glitter.
 
Men aren't so bright either you know!

I over heard a conversation in a country pub about college courses

"Do you know what NVQ stands for?"

"No, what?"

"Not Very Well Qualified! ha ha ha"

:PDT_Xtremez_42:
 
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